


a grip on his heart

by yamatsukkei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentioned Alcohol, Mentioned Kageyama Tobio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21585931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamatsukkei/pseuds/yamatsukkei
Summary: Kei struggles with his low self-esteem, despite the many, many times that his boyfriend Tadashi tried to reassure him of how cute he is. So what happens when a certain something slips out, and Kei can't stop focusing on it?
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	a grip on his heart

**Author's Note:**

> BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH ANGST BROUGHT FROM KRSN RP LMAOOOO  
> say thanks to my yama for mistakingly saying what he says in the beginning and causing this spiral of a mess  
> ly :)
> 
> (Just in case it isn't clear, they're aged up [around 21 or so] in this fic!)

Kei rolled over, groaning as he awoke, moving to bury his head into the pillow below him.

"I don't wanna be awakeee." He drew out, feeling heavy and sluggish with fatigue. He heard a soft chuckle from his left, and he felt warmth bloom through him. His loving boyfriend, who he shared an apartment with, was awake, and he felt happier just from that realization.

"Aww," Tadashi crooned, laying his head in his arms, his feet kicked up to swing back and forth, as the blanket covering both of them fell from his ankles. "When did you come to bed?"

Kei looked at him, rolling over onto his side as Tadashi stared lovingly into his eyes, and once again, Kei felt warm.

"A couple hours ago," he answered, playing with a few strands of his own hair. "I was just tired, and wanted to take a nap for a bit, and I noticed you were doing the same, so..." He trailed off, watching as pink waves covered his vision for a second. He moved his hair out of the way, tucking the curls behind his ear. He vaguely recalled that his hair was currently dyed pink, thanks to a "punishment" dished out by Tadashi for something he had accidentally done.

"Cute. You're cute," Tadashi stated, grinning a small but toothy smile, reaching over to poke him in the cheek. "Anyway, if you're still tired, you should go back to sleep."

Kei hummed, thinking on the amount his energy level seemed to be at. But he flimsily deflected what Tadashi said, with another small hum and a "Not as cute as you."

He sank into his pillow, keeping his gaze on him as he continued to speak, noting how his face twitched, just a bit. He mentioned how he wasn't sure if he wanted to sleep again, or not, but his own voice sounded far away from him as he saw Tadashi sigh before him.

"Tsukki, we've had this argument a million times," he started, and Kei winced. "And I'll go through it again, even if it's draining to hear you try and deny it." Kei felt his heart sink, and he struggled to keep afloat in the murky waters he suddenly found himself in.

_Draining._

_Draining_.

 _Draining_.

He only blinked, trying his best to focus on what Tadashi was saying, trying to ignore what his mind decided to focus on, for some reason.

"You're. Fucking. Cute," enunciated Tadashi, jabbing his finger in his direction with each word that was said, and Kei felt himself leaning back, suddenly intimidated by the fierceness of his voice.

"So cute," he continued, a stubborn frown set into his features. "Cuter than me by a long shot." He shook his head, for more emphasis on his next words. "I am _not_. Taking. Criticism."

Kei's silence and shocked expression must have stirred something within Tadashi, because he leaned forward, whispering near his ear, a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Especially with pink hair. You're sooo cute."

Kei covered his face with one hand, trying to hide the blush that creeped up onto his cheeks, as the other leaned back, with a laugh.

" _Okay,_ stop," he began, peeking out from behind his hand to see Tadashi smiling smugly, yet sweetly, at him. "I get it. You're going to kill me, I understand."

"Good, I'm never going to let you forget it," he said with a warm smile, reaching out to bring his hand down to presumably look him in the eyes better. Kei felt warm once again, but the tiny, annoying feeling that wandered around the back of his mind, was still there. He wanted to go back to sleep, for sure.

"I love you," he just began, figuring he should express his gratitude for the efforts that his boyfriend had put forth. "And thank you." The smile that he received back once again, had Kei's heart fluttering. Yet his mind had it sink all the same.

"I love you too. And you shouldn't thank me for stating facts!" He said, poking him on the nose this time. Kei wrinkled his nose, shaking his head just a little, at the action. But he moved forward nonetheless, wrapping his arms around the other in a hug as he buried his face into his chest.

" _Still,_ " he began weakly, before mumbling. "I might just go back to sleep after all."

Anything to get away from this crushing, crushing feeling.

"Okay. Sleep well, shortcake, I love you!" Tadashi said, and Kei only buried his head further, curling up as much as he could, in embarrassment. Calling him a nickname like that because of his hair was going to be the death of him.

"I love you toooo," he responded, in lieu of a whine. It was still a whine, despite his attempt to cover it up. He was just tired.

* * *

He had awoken to a drunk Kageyama on their doorstep, awaiting entry into their apartment, and chaos ensued. Hinata was there at one point, keeping him in check, just for a bit. But so many things happened that, once he passed out on their couch, Kei wobbled back to his room with Tadashi to think on it. There were so many things said, most of them embarrassing, and Kei didn't know how to feel about it.

He asked for some time alone, while Tadashi went to make food for the both of them, since they both hadn't eaten very much that day.

The hour he spent thinking was much needed, and while he still felt terrible from the time before, he felt his head clear up, just a little. So he met his boyfriend in the kitchen, and they ate together while talking in hushed voices.

Kei couldn't help the demon inside him that screamed and clawed at his self-esteem, and he selfishly asked Tadashi for a hug, hiding it under the guise that he just felt like he needed to be in his arms for a while. Which was true, at least.

He asked for a kiss too, yearning for the love and affection to try and drive away those thoughts of low self-worth and being annoying just from existing.

* * *

When Kageyama awoke, confusion muddled in Kei's mind as events played out before him, around him.

When it ended up with Kageyama crying, Kei felt useless, because he never knew how to comfort those that were crying. If he was Tadashi, he would have given him a hug. Thank god that at that moment, he had appeared and took things into his own hands.

When it got to the point of both Kageyama and Tadashi calling him cute, he remembered what he had told himself before.

"I'm–"

 _Agree,_ and he won't think you're annoying.

 _Agree,_ and he won't have to waste energy trying to drag your sorry ass up to where he stands.

 _Agree,_ and everything will be okay.

No more arguing over something like this. It's _not_ worth it.

"Whatever," he settled on, looking anywhere but at them. Maybe that's why he missed the stare that Tadashi had been giving him.

When Kageyama left to go back to sleep in their spare room, both of them having waved him off with small smiles, Kei felt as if he was going to collapse himself. He turned to Tadashi, whose smile dropped from his face as he looked at Kei with an unreadable expression.

" _We,"_ he started, walking towards their own room. "Need to talk."

A foreboding, anxious feeling rose up within him, and Kei didn't like how that single sentence sounded. He followed after him, his own voice feeling hollow.

"Okay."

* * *

The door closed, and Kei's anxiety felt as if it itself had no window to escape from. It bubbled within him, threatening to bounce off his walls and break him.

"What did you want to talk about?" He asked, going to sit down on their bed. Tadashi decided to stand, and Kei felt smaller.

"You didn't fight back." A simple sentence, but one that held a lot of meaning. Kei decided to play dumb.

"About what–" he asked once more, trying not to shift underneath Tadashi's calculating gaze.

It reminded him of being scolded as a child, the way this was going on. But he didn't have the energy to make it feel otherwise. The sigh that escaped Tadashi's lips made Kei curl his toes in rumbling anticipation.

"When we said you were cute, you didn't fight back."

Kei's hand flew to his glasses that he was sure was going to fall off of his face.

"I mean, it's true." He decided to go with, agreeing with him. Agreeing was the easiest way. Tadashi didn't seem satisfied, crossing his arms as he responded back, almost as soon as Kei's words were spoken.

"It is. It _is_ true, but I know you don't believe me."

Kei's mouth felt dry, and he struggled to speak, wondering why he was fighting so hard.

"And how can you tell that?" He asked, the effort to keep his voice level almost becoming too much. He wished his voice, posture, and overall being was as steady as Tadashi's.

"Because you usually argue it. You try to convince me that you're not cute, and it never works. But that's what's normal for you to do. In that sort of situation." Kei couldn't meet his eyes, instead gazing at the floor as he fiddled with his glasses once more. "And you didn't do that. I'm worried." Tadashi said, his voice growing quiet with concern.

Just one more time.

"Well, Kageyama was there, and he was having a tough time. So I didn't want to fight back then–" He would have taken his glasses off at this point, if it didn't mean that he wouldn't have been able to see Tadashi's face clearly. Maybe he should have done that, but it was too late now.

"No, you've argued it in front of him before," Kei flinched, realizing that he was right. "Also, you play with your glasses when you're nervous." His head snapped up in shock, looking him in the eyes. Maybe he shouldn't have done that.

Tadashi's eyes shined with worry, and his brows were creased with concern. His arms had fallen to his sides, and his hands were clenched into fists. A whisper fell past his lips, drifting into Kei's ears, and guilt churned in Kei's stomach.

"Please just tell me what's wrong."

Kei's walls crumbled, and he panicked, unsure how to go about telling him. But patient, oh so patient and sweet Tadashi, let him take his time. He breathed slowly, trying to get his bearings together. Tadashi sat down next to him, so that their faces could be level with each other as he talked. He appreciated it.

So he explained exactly why he was feeling the way he was. Why he was acting the way he was. That he knew it was stupid to act on these feelings, and he felt like he shouldn't argue with him, if it meant that he wouldn't be drained just from telling him over and over that he's cuter than him.

It was _stupid_.

"Oh," whispered Tadashi, face crestfallen. " _Ohh,_ " he mumbled once more, shoving his hands into his face, before whipping his head up to meet his eyes. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Kei. I just said it as a joke, I wish you'd have told me earlier–" He shook his head, looking as apologetic as they come. "But yeah, I had a feeling I did something."

Kei just swallowed the lump in his throat, and a dejected laugh rose up instead, causing Kei to hold his head in his hands, this time.

"No, no, it's okay. It was stupid to think, I know. I just focused on that thought alone, and went back to sleep because of it." He dragged his hands away from his face, forlorn. "But it wasn't your fault, really–"

"No," interrupted Tadashi, voice firm. "It's not stupid. I _hurt_ you, and I'm sorry." Hearing Tadasi acknowledge it like that made Kei bite his lip in an attempt to not completely lose it. He only turned his head away from him, hands in his lap and clenched tightly.

"It's okay, I forgive you," he began, trying not to tremble from the sudden onslaught of his thoughts and emotions. "I know you didn't mean it." He took another deep breath. In, and out. In, and out. "I know how I get. I fucking _know_ how annoying I can be when I constantly do that, but it's hard to stop. So I thought just giving up on fighting would be easiest, because then you wouldn't, you know," he breathed once more, and his voice grew quiet. "You wouldn't get tired of having to bring me up all the time."

Tadashi shook his head, shuffling closer to Kei, raising his hand to gently lift his face in his direction.

"I could never get tired of that, or of you. I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you."

Kei's breath hitched in his throat, and his mind screamed at him that he didn't deserve this. But he willingly ignored it, this time.

"I know," a whisper as quiet as the night. "I'm sorry," an apology as heavy as a tsunami, crashing down, relentless, unforgiving.

A small smile appeared on Tadashi's face, and he patted his cheek. "You have nothing to apologize for, Kei." He raised his other hand, to squish his cheeks together with a brighter smile.

"You know I love you, right? A whooooole bunch?"

Kei bit back a whimper, because he wasn't that kind of person, he wasn't someone who could just do that, he wasn't–

"I do, a lot," he said, trembling just the tiniest bit. And his resolve fell away. "Fuck, hug me so I can cry, please."

He couldn't help it. When Tadashi does things like that, he can't help but love him more and more, despite how he feels about himself. He deserves to cry his feelings out. He deserves to do that much for himself.

"Of course, anything for you." Tadashi mumbled, holding out his arms, and Kei didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around him, burying his head into his shoulder. He couldn't help how he shook, and he was grateful when all Tadashi did was comb his fingers through his hair in an act of comfort, as tears leaked out of his eyes.

"Sorry," he sniffled, feeling gross about himself. "I love you so much, Tadashi." He gripped the back of his shirt tightly, and the other boy just hummed, continuing to play with his hair. "It's just really hard. But I swear I'm trying my best." Another deep breath, and Kei raised his head. "I love you, and you mean so much to me."

Tadashi smiled once again, and he gave him a kiss, wiping his tears away with a gentle swipe of his thumbs.

"I know. It's okay, I believe you." Another kiss, and Kei felt as if he was gently being pulled up into the sky. "I love you too, and you mean the world to me — please don't forget that." Once more. Kei was floating.

"I won't, I won't," he mumbled, slightly dazed. Blinking, he stared into his eyes.

Those _tired, tired_ eyes that Tadashi sees.

"I don't ever want to lose you." Kei whispered, voice cracking, trembling, fear gripping his heart, and Tadashi brought him into his arms again, cradling his head.

"I know," he repeated, slowly rocking him back and forth. Kei didn't want to admit it to himself, but he did so anyways. He genuinely felt loved. Happy, to be with him. Lucky, to be with him. "I don't plan on leaving either, and I hope you'll stick with me too."

"Always." Kei said, strongly, firmly, knowing and reassuring. "I'll always be here, Tadashi." He would make sure of it. "I love you, a whole lot."

Tadashi responded just as he did, soft, quiet, yet vibrant with the weight that their words held. "I love you too, Kei. More than you'll ever know."

Kei's mouth quirked upwards, a tiny smile that was sad, but warm and loving all the same. He was exhausted. Utterly, infallibly, exhausted.

"Sleep?" He questioned, starting to crawl backwards into their covers. "I think I exhausted myself, anyways."

"Yeah, sounds good." Tadashi replied, following after him after turning off their lamps for the night. Once they were comfortable, close enough for their breaths to warm each other's faces, he spoke once more.

"Do you feel any better?"

Unlike the lies that Kei told that day, constantly reassuring him that he was fine, this felt genuine. A genuine, honest truth that lifted the weight of the world off of him. That truth slipped past his lips.

"Yeah. I feel better now." He smiled, hopeful. "I just wanted to vibe check you for a couple hours, if that's okay." The smile he got in return made him grin even wider.

"That's more than okay. I'm glad you feel better."

Kei felt like crying again, but because he was so happy. He just shuffled closer to Tadashi, leaning their foreheads together.

"I love you sooooo much."

They shared their smiles, and their love for one another, and Kei was glad that they had settled this before going to bed.

"I love you soooo much too."


End file.
